The Pursuit Of Happiness Part 1:Numb

Hey guys,sorry about the late post but I've been enduring some serious stress lately.They just somehow came in swarms,each generating more trouble than the ones before.I'm making this post just for you all to hear me out and hopefully help me find my light in the dark.

First of all,I didn't go to Aussie because I wanted to,but was kind of by force.Dad was constantly ranting about Brunei being a country with a failing economy,too small to be successful,hence setting the plan to move to Austraia in motion.I was supposed to leave before I even reached primary level.But somehow it was delayed for 10 long years,including 2008 which was by my plea to finish Form 4.I would have stayed with you guys until graduation if it weren't for his intervention by responding that he would not support us if we continue staying any longer.

Seriously I don't mean to hurt anyone,but you guys are in my heart the right friends,in the right time,but in a not-so-right place.Nothing is ever perfect,but you all are the closest.It's without hestitative thinking that this place,Australia,is still a nation in it's infancy.I wouldn't consider it a 1st world nation,not by a longshot.This was mainly due to its isolation.Sure,it is huge,and it represents a move from a small puddle to a big pond,but just feels SO WRONG.

When I moved here,I thought that I would still be able to pursue what I love,what I wanted to be,but it didn't happen.Tennis is one road of life I might take and working the other.In my opinion(nothing to do with any of you,I PROMISE) if I were in Oz I could improve my tennis and hopefully reach what I aimed for.I know I'm getting old and progressing not as quick as some,but I still do want to be among the best there is.

What happened?I crashed and burned.I recognize tennis here is in a whole new level,hence it fueled my desire even more.It raised my hopes to fulfil my dream,but I was hindered by the very person who used to bring me to the club as a kid and left me alone to hit with the wall.

A week ago,I received my report card which showed average results(in my terms,I wouldn't say it's bad,and definitely better than last year).But to my old folks,it wasn't good enough.Dad was kind of black-faced and mum was constantly mumbling....Basically,I didn't fail anything(NOT EVEN MY CHINESE) and the worst I got was a C (Chemistry.Sorry I let everyone down)And the rests were A's and B's(I know it's still disappointing if you all look at it,but yeah,my geo actually was an A but it came out as B+,maths and Religion was A,English B,and bio I would guess is B since I have C on one end and A on another.My Chinese was B if I'm not wrong).

Dad started a tense conversation with me

"DO you like tennis or not?"
"Yeah,I do"
"YOU PLAY TENNIS FOR SOCIAL OR WHAT??!!WHAT'S THE POINT OF SENDING YOU TO TENNIS IF YOU'RE PLAYING JUST FOR SOCIAL??!!.IF YOU DO,THEN DON'T PLAY ANYMORE.WHAT'S THE POINT??!!TELL ME,DO YOU STILL WANT TO PLAY TENNIS OR NOT?"
By this time I was already beginning to be really upset.I have not(and DID NOT) thought of playing just for fun,it is he himself that blurted it out,making me think like I did.
"Yeah"
"If you don't improve within one term,then it's quits.YOU HEAR ME?"
"Mmm"


I felt like a glass shattered.The day before he gave me a year and now a term.I DID NOT COME HERE JUST TO LET GO OF WHAT I LOVED!I CAME HERE TO REACH MY DREAMS,NOT MAKE MYSELF YOUR CLAY FIGURE,MOLDING ME INTO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE.And if you think it's just that,and I would say that you might think I'm being hardheaded,feel free to think so,but I stand by my decision to pick up where I left off.And if you think that's the end,it's not...

I'm sorry if I freaked out any of you,but I just have to let myself out.I just feel so alone,so numb with fear for my future.I just don't feel much of one anymore...